Love Hurts
by Mettespo
Summary: After the Bin Laden broadcast Will leaves a voicemail for Mac that changes everything.
1. Hurt

_The idea for this story came to me when I was planing chapter 7 of my story „Happy Endings". There were so many possibilities to go with that episode then and it was a close call between this one and the one I actually wrote._

 _In the end the decision was made on my feeling that this would do nicely as a multi-chapter story, so here it is; I hope you'll enjoy it! (A M-rated version can be found on AO3)  
_

 _::::::::::::::::::::::::._

 **Love Hurts**

Will was pacing back and forth on his terrace, a drink in one hand, his phone in the other. He was so anxious that he could not stand still, which resulted from being on a high from the weed-laced cookies he had eaten earlier that night, the adrenaline the Bin Laden broadcast had rushing through his veins as well as the couple of drinks he had already had before this one. And last but not least his nervousness about what he had done.

Why didn't she call him back? And why the fuck didn't she answer her phone in the first place, especially on a newsy night like this? She _always_ had her phone with her, so where was she that she hadn't answered it?

He gulped down the rest of the Scotch. Surely she wouldn't take the out he had given her, simply not reacting to his voicemail he had left when she didn't pick up the phone? Could he have read her so heavily wrong, misinterpreted all the signs she had given him over he past year? Had he just seen what he had wanted to see?

 _Call, Mac! Call me now or I'll be going insane here!_

Going back into the apartment to refill his glass he stopped and looked over to the kitchen. Another cookie sounded right about now, and he was grateful that Kaylee had brought such a large batch. If Mac wasn't about to call him back he _really_ needed another pick-me-up.

Nibbling on the third cookie of the night Will felt the giddy excitement that had filled him since he had left his message for her, expecting her to call him back immediately, slowly subside, and a vague hint of anger starting to pool in his stomach.

How could she just not react to what he had said? Didn't she know how much courage it had taken him to call her in the first place? That he would be up all night waiting and brooding about what she was going to do? What he was supposed to do now?

Hell he did not want her to ignore his words, no matter what he had told her. _  
Call, Mac!_

After having finished the cookie he went over to the bar for another Scotch and then settled on the couch, lost in thought and starting to get bitter.

 _Damn_ , he shouldn't have said anything, now he was only up for more hurt and rejection. Why didn't he just keep his big mouth shut instead of putting everything on the plate? They'd had a good few months lately, why didn't he just let it roll? _Fuck_... Will let his head fall against the back of the couch and ran his hand over his face. _Fuck, fuck, fuck...!_

He had blown it, it was as simple as that. He had definitely done the wrong thing and now he had to figure out a way how to face Mac tomorrow. God, that would be incredibly embarrassing; what should he say? How could he look her in..."

Suddenly the door bell rang and Will jumped in his seat.

 _Mac?_ Could that be her?  
He took a deep breath. _Of course_ , she wouldn't call, she would rush over, would confront him face to face. He should have known instead of panicking!

Will immediately got up, all tension already vanished. Fully aware that his movements weren't at all smooth anymore but satisfied that he was steady on his feet he walked over to the intercom and pushed the button. „Yeah?"

„It's me. Let me up." Mac sounded a little breathless but was clearly intend on wasting no time, so Will pushed the button and then waited for the elevator doors to open. When he realized that he was still holding the glass in his hand he quickly walked over to the end table nearby, put it down and resumed his former position, nervously running his hand through his hair.

After what seemed like an eternity the doors opened and Mac stepped into his apartment, wearing tight jeans and a stunning leather jacket which both accentuated her incredible figure. Will let his gaze roam along the length of her body, barely holding back a groan, before looking at her face.

Mac had stopped a few feet in front of him and her eyes were wide while a slight blush covered her cheeks. Nervously she wrung her hands and tried to speak a couple of times before actual words made it out of her mouth.  
„Will...? What... I... _Are you still high?_ " The question sounded desperate; obviously Mac didn't know what to make of the message he had left for her.

„No..."  
Well, he wasn't... Not _really_ anyway. He knew what he was doing, but she better didn't hear about the third cookie he had just eaten and the drinks he'd had. He took a step towards Mac and lifted his hand to follow the contours of her face, but after a moment she stopped his fingers with her own hand. She needed to be sure and spoke with a trembling voice.  
„Will? Did... did you really mean what you said in the voicemail message?"

Her eyes showed a mixture of hope and longing, but also confusion, angst and suspicion. She clearly wasn't sure if she could trust him after everything he had said and done to her over the last thirteen months, escpecially knowing about his drug-induced high earlier this evening.

Will smiled at her. „I have never meant anything more in my life, Mac. I love you."

Slowly Mac started to relax and a smile showed on her face, tentative at first but then growing bigger until her whole face lit up and it reached her eyes. God, she was so beautiful!

„Oh Billy..."

Not willing to wait a moment longer both of them closed in until their lips met for the first kiss in more than four years, and it was everything he had dreamed it to be and more.

Soft at first he tried to relearn the feel of her lips while he cupped her face and let his finger slide through her open hair. Soft, so soft and she still smelled and tasted like he remberered, something he had never managed to forget, no matter how hard he had tried.

God, this felt so right. He should have gotten high months ago; suddenly everything was so clear, and all anger, frustration, confusion and hurt inside him had just disappeared.

Mac melted into him and he deepened the kiss, explored her mouth with his tongue until he drew the first moans from her. Her hands had slid around his neck and mussed his hair, but then she broke the kiss and took a small step back. „Are you sure, Will?"

„God, yes..." Will's face showed all his desire. „Are you?"

With a coy smile Mac lifted her hands, pulled her jacket down from her shoulders and let if fall onto the floor, right in front of the elevator door. Without breaking eye contact her plain white t-shirt followed next before she opened the button of her jeans to pull them down, while Will could only watch, unable to move.

Only dressed in her bra and panties she closed in to whisper „I am _so_ ready..." into his ear, before she took his hand and led him after her to his bedroom. Under dimmed lights she stopped in front of his bed and turned around, Will's hands immediately back on her hips and his eyes scanning her body. They clouded once his gaze fell onto the scar on Mac's stomach, and he moved one of his hands to touch it with his fingers.

Finally he whispered. „I heard about it... I am so sorry, Mac..."

He swallowed hard, but she took his hand and interlaced their fingers. „Let's talk tomorrow, Billy... I love you so much, and right now I just want you. I have waited for so long..."

Will looked up and met her eyes, before he nodded.  
Letting go of his hand she now started to open the buttons of his shirt, nervously biting her lip. While he then got rid of his pants and took off his socks, she quickly pushed down her panties, opened her bra and haphazardly threw both to the side.

Their love making was passionate, something they both had missed for so long, and neither of them wanted to stop, nor could stop.

Completely exhausted Will finally slumped into Mac and gasped for air. Just like him Mac had closed her eyes and only gradually let her legs glide down. Letting her hands run up and down his back she finally took a deep breath and whispered into his ear. „I love you, Billy."

The only reaction Will managed was a low grunt. He was spent and his adrenaline high was quickly wearing off. With a last shred of energy he rolled off Mac onto his back and pulled her with him. Too tired to talk he pressed a kiss to her head on his chest and with a sigh both of them were slowly drifting off to sleep.

::::::::::::::::::::::::::

The next morning Will woke up, and while being oddly relaxed he had a splitting headache at the same time. Already with closed eyes the bright sun falling in through the bedroom windows felt like piercing little arrows.

Groaning he softly rubbed his eyes before slowly opening them. He felt miserable, but nevertheless he cautiously sat up, trying to think back.  
Last night. The Vicodin. The cookies. Then the broadcast and after that another cookie. And alcohol... _Fuck._.. He could have guessed that mixing all that hadn't been a good idea...

He should go to the kitchen and make some coffee, maybe that would help against the throbbing ache in his head. With another groan he got up and noticed that he hadn't even put on his pyjamas the night before but had slept naked. Carefully he bent down to pick up his boxers and slid them on before slowly going into the kitchen. He felt like walking through a cloud that not only seemed to hamper his ability to think but also made it difficult to walk straight.

With measured movements he turned on the coffee maker and got a mug out of the cupboard. He really should have refrained from eating that last cookie after coming home last night, then maybe today he would not...

Suddenly he felt someone snuggle against his back and hands trail around his waist to stroke up his naked chest. „Good morning, Billy." The voice was sultry and a kiss was placed on his shoulder blade. „How are you feeling? Has your high worn off completely?"

After an initial startle Will froze and forgot to breath for a moment at the touch and the sound of this all too familiar voice. _What the fuck was Mac doing here? Touching and kissing him?_

He didn't answer her, suddenly about to hyperventilate. _What had happened?_  
Slowly he took her hand and moved it from his skin. In turn Mac stiffened and moved a step back, feeling that something was not as it was supposed to be. After a moment in which Will hadn't moved she spoke.

„ _Has_ your high worn off? Did you realize what you said last night and want to take it back?"  
Her voice was trembling and she wished she could turn invisible. She had completely opened up last night; she had surrendered herself to his forgiveness and her own feelings, trusting that he was sure about them, and now it had all been a ruse?

„Mac..." Will didn't move and his fingers clenched around the coffee mug he was holding in his hand. _The voicemail message..._ How could he have forgotten that? _Fuck!_  
Mac showing up later that night after he had convinced himself that he had made a fool of himself. Them making love, something he had wanted so badly for so long already and especially as soon as he had laid eyes on her last night...

„Turn around, Will... Please..." Mac needed to see him, see his eyes.  
When he slowly did they didn't show any sign of coldness or maybe even amusement at how he had played her as she had almost expected, but an expression of pain, mixed with confusion and sorrow.

After what felt like an eternity, their gazes never swaying, she gripped the towel she was wearing to keep it up over her breasts and quietly asked. „Did you mean it? Did you mean _anything_ you said last night?"

Still overwhelmed by the whole situation he searched for an answer, before he suddenly burst out. „God yes! But... it...I think I could only say it because I was high..." Seeing the devastated and horrified look on her face he took a deep breath, but before he could say anything a neutral mask seemed to replace the previous expression and she stepped further back.

„Mac, I'm..."

„Don't... Don't talk to me!"  
Her voice was harsh, but still carried her pain, and turning around she gathered her clothes from where she had dropped them the night before to go back into the bedroom.

When she returned only a couple of minutes later Will hadn't moved, scared to death about what had happened. He tried to speak to her again and hold her back, but Mac just shook his hand from her arm and walked towards the elevator, not letting him see her face. When she had pushed the button though she turned around to look at him, and he cringed at the disappointment, hurt and, yes, defeat he saw in her eyes, which were rimmed with tears.

He just wanted to move and try to talk to her once more, when the elevator opened and Mac disappeared inside.

:::::::::::::::::::

To be continued


	2. Hell

**Hell**

 _Fuck, fuck, fuck...  
_ How could that have happened?

Will remembered that last night he had thought he had messed everything up with the voicemail message.  
Well, apparently he hadn't, instead he'd behaved like the biggest jackass just now.  
How could he have _forgotten_ that Mac had come over last night? That they'd had amazing sex – despite the condition he had been in - and had fallen asleep in each others arms?

Fucking drugs!

He moved his eyes from the elevator doors he was still staring at to the kitchen counter where he had left the cookies last night, and with a determined look he marched over there, grabbed the bag and tossed it in the trash with a vengeance. He would _never_ touch this damn stuff again.

But what now?

Air.  
He needed fresh air, so he filled his mug with coffee and walked out onto the terrace.

It was a beautiful spring morning, though Will felt like if the warm sun rays and the very distant twittering of birds were mocking him. The only thing he could see was Mac's face before she had left his apartment; this look of total defeat, of broken hopes and despair.

She had always been the one who wanted to talk about everything, who had used every opportunity to try to explain what had happened four years ago and wanted him to talk about his feelings, but not this morning.  
 _'Don't talk to me!'  
_

He couldn't blame her.

The moment he'd realized what had happened last night the fog in his mind had disapeared and he had known how much he had hurt her. He would have _never_ told her that he still loved her if he hadn't been high, and he would never had spent the night with her, no matter how much he had wanted to.  
He _did_ love her and he _wanted_ to be with her, he just _couldn't_!

But _why_ the fuck couldn't he?

He slowly went back inside and walked through to the bathroom to get ready for work. When he came out again for the first time he noticed all the remnants from the previous night's party; used paper plates, half full as well as empty glasses and leftovers covering almost every surface, left behind when the whole team had rushed out to get to the studio.  
With a sigh Will started to clean up a little, at least that gave him something to do.

He had no idea how he should face Mac in the office. How could he, if he wasn't even clear about his own feelings.

He _did_ love her, he reminded himself, there was no question about that. He hadn't lied in his voicemail, and also he _did_ want her, so what did it have to mean that he wasn't able to say it when he was sober?

Calling in sick was an option, but no, Mac would know immediately why he didn't come in; he couldn't do that.

Will grabbed some more garbage and went into the kitchen to throw it away. He knew he was procrastinating, after all the cleaning lady was scheduled to come in this morning, but he had to do something.

Opening the lid of the trash can he was about to drop the plates he was holding, when he suddenly paused. After a long moment he finally bent down to save the bag of cookies he had thrown away before and only then got rid of the paper dishes. He put the cookies in a cupboard, suddenly painfully aware that there would most probably be days in the not too distant future when he would want to forget this mess for a while.

:::::::::::::::::::

When Will finally arrived at work he was late, but except for a few curious stares, probably to check on his condition as everybody had heard about his high the night before, nobody paid special attention to him.

He went straight through to his office, trying to delay the inevitable, but he knew that he had to face Mac sometime. The first meeting of the day was coming up and Will still hadn't decided how to approach the situation of seeing Mac for the first time 'after', when there was knock at his door and Jim stuck his head in.

„Morning, Will. Just a heads up, I'll be heading the meeting and the show today, Mac's called in sick."

Will's head snapped up at this and he looked at Jim for a moment. Of course she wouldn't come in today, he should have expected that, but he tried to not give anything away. „What's wrong with her?

„She didn't say, but she mentioned that she'd probably be back tomorrow."

„Okay, thanks for letting me know." Will looked back down at his paper, waiting for Jim to leave, when his young senior producer spoke again.

„Do you think you could try if we could get Vice President Biden for an interview today? Maybe you could check before the pitch meeting, so that we can schedule it in?"

Making an affirmative sound Will nodded but didn't look up again. He needed to be alone for a moment to come to terms with the fact that Mac wasn't able to face him either. As soon as Jim had left he leaned back in his chair and closed his eyes.

He had fucked up big time, there was no way to sugarcoat it. He didn't know if Mac would ever be able to forgive him, but he had to try to explain everything to her, at least up to the point that he himself understood what had happened. He also knew that he shouldn't smother her, that she needed some time, but he didn't want her to think that he didn't care.

After a moment's thought he opened his laptop and searched for an upmarket online florist who delivered within the city. Mac had always been fond of colorful bouquets, so he ordered the biggest one he could find with an array of geraniums, tulips, marguerites and lilac, added a card with his name and had it delivered to her apartment within the next hour.

Feeling at least a little bit better he tried to concentrate on his work but was still so distracted that he only remembered to call his friend Joe right before he needed to head into the pitch meeting.

The whole day went by slowly and although he hadn't expected Mac to thank him for the flowers, he admittedly had at least hoped for a little sign of acknowledgement from her that she had received them.

Tomorrow. He would talk to her tomorrow.

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Mac had spent almost all days curled up on the couch.  
She was so hurt that she didn't even know what to think. Had it all been a ruse? Or had Will seriously meant what he had said in the voicemail message and later that night?

Should she have known that he had still been high when she had gone over to his place?  
They had smoked weed together a few times before and one thing was true, Will did have an incredibly high tolerance threshold, so she hadn't been surprised when he had claimed that he was sober and had believed him without asking too many questions... Maybe because she had _wanted_ to believe him so badly, but what did it matter now?

She had opened her heart to him only to have it stomped on the next morning.  
She actually believed him that he hadn't purposefully lured her over to his apartment under false pretenses, but that didn't ease the pain she was feeling. Ironically she now knew exactly how Will had felt four years ago when she had told him about Brian.

They had still been so good together; their lovemaking passionate and tender at the same time, and having all these fresh memories only made her want him even more than before. But would he ever be ready to candidly admit his feelings for her, without being encouraged by drugs but because he wanted to?

And how should she face him again? Did he expect them to work together as if nothing had happened? How could she be in his ear at night when all she wanted was to be in his arms again?

She hadn't been able to go to work today and had called in sick. As much as she had wanted to do the follow up of the Bin Laden broadcast she just hadn't been able to act as if nothing had happened. She didn't know what to do and she also didn't know what she wanted Will do.

Even if she did understand what had happened the night before, that didn't mean that she wasn't incredibly angry with him. Angry, disappointed, hurt and yes, also feeling used.  
She knew that Will hadn't forced her to do anything, but that didn't change the fact that she wouldn't have done anything even remotely close to what had happened last night if she hadn't believed him to be lucid and serious about it.

But... He obviously hadn't been, and his reaction this morning had told her everything she needed to know...

A long day had turned into evening by now and Mac had intended to watch the show, if only to give Jim the feedback he was surely expecting from her, but as soon as Will appeared on the screen she knew she couldn't.  
She took a moment to look at him, and to every normal viewer he would appear as usual, but she could tell that he was tense and a little absent-minded, though Jim seemed to do a good job at keeping him on topic.

Once sure about that she changed the channel, telling herself that it never hurt to check out the competition whilst knowing that she only wanted to distract herself. Finally she zapped into an old favorite of hers, _Ladyhawke_ with Michelle Pfeiffer, and allowed herself to get caught up in it, glad to not think about her own problems for a while, except hoping for a happy end for herself, too...

When the movie was over she was just about to get ready for bed when her door bell rang and she froze for a moment. _Of course_ , she should have expected that. She had been reasonably sure that Will would need some time, but that he would show up eventually. Turned out he'd come over even sooner than she had anticpated.

Once she had buzzed him in she went to sit on the couch and waited for him to arrive at her door which she had left ajar. She took a couple of deep breaths and told herself again, that this time it hadn't been _her_ who had done something wrong, and that this time it was _his_ turn to explain himself.

With a knock Will carefully pushed the door open and remained standing in its frame, nervously shifting from one foot to another, not sure if his spontaneous decision to talk to her tonight already instead of tomorrow had been right. „May I come in?"

„Please. I don't think we want the neighbours to have any part in this."

Closing the door behind him he carefully stepped nearer to the couch Mac was sitting on, seemingly relaxed, when in the corner of his eye he saw the flowers he had sent her earlier, unceremonially dumped into the kitchen garbage bin. Looking at Mac he swallowed.  
„I was hoping you'd like the flowers..."

„They are gorgeous" Mac answered with a small smile before her expression became blank. „I just couldn't stand to look at them..."

After a moment Will nodded. „I understand..."  
He took another step closer and took a deep breath. „Mac, we need to talk... We still need to be able to work together somehow..."

She didn't intend to make it easy for him, so she didn't say anything but waited for him to continue, which he finally did.

„I... I'm sorry, Mac, I'm so, so sorry. I shouldn't have eaten these damn cookies... And I shouldn't have had a few drinks after the show..." He looked as embarrassed as he felt, and he knew that he deserved everything Mac was about to say.

However, at first she stayed quiet, trying to process what he had said.. Then she squinted her eyes and slowly got up.

„You... You did _what_? You've said you weren't high! I _trusted_ you!" Mac's voice was more than just slightly strained when she hurled this accusation at him, and he cringed.

„I honestly thought I wasn't, Mac, I felt fine... I'm so sorry, I never meant to hurt you, please believe me!" Seeing her distraught face Will felt like he had to give Mac something, to not let her hang out there on her own completely. He knew what it had cost her to come over that night.  
„I _do_ love you, Mac."

„I know." This time her voice didn't convey any feelings, and she didn't say anything else which made him feel even worse.

„I'm just not there yet, Mac, I _can't_..."

„Will you ever be?"

„I'm working on it..." he whispered, scared but hating himself for putting her through this.

A curtain seemed to fall over her face while she was trying to keep her feelings in. She had already disclosed so much last night, and she couldn't afford to divulge even more while he hadn't made up his mind.  
„Then work on it. I will go away for a few days, that will give me time to think. I've already talked to Charlie."

„Think about what?" Will wasn't sure if he wanted to know the answer, but at the same time he was feeling a wave of panic rise inside him.

Mac didn't answer for a moment, before taking a deep breath.  
„If I'll be able to continue working with you, of course."

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::


	3. Hence

**Hence**

Leaving the show... Will hadn't even considered that possiblity before.  
He couldn't remember how he had made it home after his stop at Mac's place, but now he was sitting on the couch with his eyes closed and his head fallen back against the cushion.

Was Mac honestly thinking about leaving the show? Leaving _him_?

He forced himself to think back to what had happened when she had shown up at his appartment the other night, and only now he truly realized how much he had hurt her. Well, he had known that before but had only thought about what this situation would mean for him, how _he_ should deal with it, but not what actions Mac would take.

He hadn't even thought about her maybe having problems facing him; being completely surprised that she hadn't shown up at work. Instead he had only cared about how he could (or should?) confront the situation.

Yes, he had sent her flowers, but as he realized now it had mostly been to make _him_ feel better, to ease his conscience, and he had not at all expected Mac to reject the bouquet. That she had thrown them out just showed, how deeply he had hurt her.

He was such an egoistical idiot, a real jackass. No wonder she wanted to get away for a while – hopefully not longer - especially as he hadn't been able to offer her anything more than a weak „I'm working on it."

He snorted at himself. What does that even mean? 'Working on it'... As if he could just take a scroll-saw and work on his brain and heart like on a piece of wood.

He could understand that Mac had asked him to give her space and not to contact her while she was gone. He didn't like it, but he understood. But what should he do now? Should he just sit around and wait for her to make her decision?

How he would love to go over to her place and do everything possible to erase this awful encounter, to show her how he really felt. Without alcohol, without drugs. Just being himself. But how was he supposed to do that?

Will sighed. Habib, he needed to see Habib.

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Mac was walking along the beach, consciously inhaling the salty air blowing in from the Atlantic Ocean with every breath.

She loved the sea, always had, especially the rough weather along the British coastline or, in this case, the Atlantic, be it spring, fall or winter. She loved walking on pristine and secluded beaches, being exposed to the strong, fresh winds, a stiff breeze and listening to the seagulls with their sad, doleful cries up in the air.

Even as a child this had always helped her to clear her head, and so, when she had decided to leave the city for a few days, she had immediately thought about going up to Maine, where she had spent several holidays with her family when her father had been the British ambassador to the United States. Seeing that it was only May she hadn't had any trouble finding a room at an adorable little B&B in Ogunquit and had rented a car to drive upstate.

She had arrived a couple of days ago, and as the tourist season hadn't really begun yet most of the time she had the beach to herself.  
In the beginning she had only been capable to ponder about what had happend, how hurt she was, and what a rotten thing it had been of Will to let her believe that he had been sober that night. But now, three days later, she slowly felt the tension ease from her body and mind.

She had started to think about what all this meant for her – their – future. She couldn't afford to dwell on the past much longer, it had happened and she knew she wouldn't be able to change a thing, no matter how much it hurt.  
Not that she wanted to change _everything_... Their lovemaking had been amazing, incredible really, and with both their passion and impatience Will's insobriety had carried no weight. They had still been so good together and she could only hope that Will felt the same and would do everything to finally get his shit together...

Deep in thought she stopped and looked out over the waves that were rolling in. She had just realized two important things:

She _really_ wanted Will to work through everything, so that he would finally be able to forgive her.  
This thought had actually come as a surprise, as she had never questioned this before; after all that had been the reason for her coming back to New York in the first place. But apparently subconsciously she hadn't been sure about it anymore after what had happened this week.

And admitting that meant that she hadn't given up on him, and that despite of what he had done she still wanted to be with him. Yes, oh yes, she still wanted him, so very very much...

Mac sighed. Consequently she now had to decide if she wanted to keep working with him or if leaving the show and as a result Will, maybe shaking him up to move forward from this no-win situation, would be the more promising option?

She shook her head at herself. She already knew what the answer to this question was going to be. She simply loved Will, the show and their team too much to leave voluntarily. But at the same time their relationship had changed and the situation was different. Now it was not only him who had to forgive _her_ , but she also had to forgive _him_ and not just wait for him to come to his senses.

But c _ould_ she forgive him so easily?  
She was still deeply hurt and him admitting his love for her had only slightly eased this pain. But she knew that in the end her forgiveness wouldn't even be a question.

Yes, Will had messed up tremendously, he had been a fucking moron, but she believed him that he hadn't meant to cause her pain. He had done what so far he could only do under the influence of drugs, which helped him to follow his feelings instead of listening to his brain that apparently still insisted that she had to be punished.

So yes, of course she would forgive him. Heck, once she'd be able to blend out all her hurt feelings she would probably find that she already had, but that didn't mean that she would go easy on him. She didn't want to punish him, not to speak of retaliation, but she also couldn't let him think that she would put up with anything. And maybe, maybe this whole situation would bring Will to try even harder...?

She thought back to the moment where she had told Will that she wasn't sure if she could work with him anymore. His expression had been one of absolute shock, and for a moment he had been at a loss of words, but he had quickly recovered and tried to talk her into staying to work it out together.

For a fraction of a second she had been tempted, but she had immediately realized that this wasn't the way to go. At that point she hadn't even figured out her own feelings, but that was an absolute necessity for any try to sit down with Will.

Mac sighed. She would stay up here over the weekend, maybe Monday and Tuesday as well to make it a full week, before returning to New York and to her newsroom. She knew Jim had a good handle on the show, and she could really use this time to prepare herself for the next weeks, which surely wouldn't be easy.

Spontaneously she decided to take the Marginal Way along the coast to walk to Perkins Cove, an old fishing village that was part of Ogunquit and home to a vast number of boutiques, jewelry stores and art galleries. She definitely needed a break to not overthink everything and this would be a good distraction.

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Will was anxious.  
Habib wasn't in town this week, and so he had nobody he could talk to about what had happened. And more importantly, get help and advice from on how to proceed. In combination with his endless brooding this predicament had led to his mood spiraling down rapidly and he knew he had been unreasonable hard on his team these last days.

On Friday he was summoned by Charlie, and when he entered his office his boss signaled him to sit down.

„Drink?"

„No thanks, it's a little early for me. You wanted to see me?"

„Yes, indeed! I was wondering how you like working with Jim?"

Will didn't show any obvious reaction to this question, but his thoughts started racing. Did Mac tell Charlie that she wouldn't be coming back, and he now tried to figure out if Jim would be a good replacement for her?  
His anxiety level rose sharply and he couldn't help but ask „Why, did you hear anything from Mac?"

Charlie raised his eyebrows. „Should I have? I would have thought you two are keeping in touch?"

Will shrugged uncomfortably. „We had a... little... fallout before she left..."

„Oh... So _that_ was the reason why out of the blue she's asked for some time off...Do you want to talk about it?"

How Will wished he could talk to his friend about all this, but not only didn't he know how to, but this was also Mac's boss and he couldn't draw him into all this without her permission. „Sorry, I can't... It's... It's not only about me and it wouldn't be fair to tell anybody else..."

Charlie watched him for a moment and then carefully asked. „Is it possible that the two of you... had a... _moment_... and now you don't know how to deal with it?"

Will shook his head, but then he sighed. „Let's just say that I messed up..."

„Well, I hope you didn't pull another one of your fucking stunts." The older man frowned when he saw Will slightly squirm in his seat. „You _didn't_ , did you?"

„I... I did hurt her, but not intentionally..."

„This time..." This clarification came out very matter-of-factly and Will flinched when he heard it. Instinctively he wanted to rebut this badly concealed accusation, but then he sighed once more. Charlie didn't know everything he had done to punish Mac since her return, but he wasn't stupid and had surely figured out his hostile public acts, like parading his dates in front of her about which they had already talked before. „Yeah..."

„I actually asked you up here because I was wondering if you and Jim might have a problem working together. You've seemed a little tense and also rather curt with some of the guests this week, but I guess we can put that down to your problem with MacKenzie then?"

„Jim's doing a good job, there's no problem. I'll do better, I promise... So... You didn't hear from her?"

„Not since she called me to ask for a week off."

Will nodded absently.  
A week, that would only be a few more days. And he knew Mac, if she had already made up her mind to not come back to ACN, she would have let Charlie know to give him the opportunity to find a replacement.  
So this could mean two things: Either she had decided to stay or... she hadn't made up her mind yet...

He got up and excused himself, using the upcoming rundown meeting as a pretense. Just when he had reached the door Charlie called after him.

„Will...? Fix it!"

 _::::::::::::::::::::::::::::_

Mac had spent a wonderful day at Perkins Cove.  
She had thorougly enjoyed visiting a number of small art galleries and had indulged in a huge bowl of vanilla ice cream with hot cherries while sitting in the warm spring sun. She had also bought a couple of books she planned on spending the evening with, nestled in front of the fireplace in the lounge of her guesthouse. After sunset it could still be a little chilly here at the coast, so that would be lovely.

When she had settled in a comfortable wing chair she took one of the books from the little table beside her, but before she even opened it she put it down in her lap and reached for her Blackberry. She typed out a message to Will, but then she hesitated to actually get it out into the real world.

Hovering her finger over the little keys she finally made up her mind.  
Maybe she _should_ let him wonder a little longer, but he was probably going crazy by now, not knowing where she was and what she was about to do. And she also felt that he did deserve a reward for not having tried to contact her during the last days. With a determined push to the button she sent her text:

 _See you on Wednesday._


	4. Help

**Help**

Wednesday! She would be back on Wednesday!

Will stared at the message on his Blackberry that Mac had just sent and then closed his eyes, feeling a wave of relief rushing through him. Relief and gratitude.

Mac would _not_ leave the show, she had decided to continue working with him, at least this he knew now, thank God!

But did that also mean that she was willing to give him another chance?

If so, that would make it even more urgent for him to figure out what the hell was wrong with him. Not that he didn't know, but he really needed to find a way to solve his problems; he needed to get over it. And soon.

He sighed. Luckily Habib would be back the following week, he would make an appointment to see him as soon as possible.

::::::::::::::::::::::::::

When Mac woke up the following day she stayed in bed and looked at the ceiling.

She had been rather relaxed when she had turned in for the night but hadn't slept well. As sure as she had been about her decision to stay at ACN last night, her mind now kept asking her as insistently if that really was the right thing to do.

Will _did_ say he loved her. That should be enough for her to wait for him to finally get to a place where he could freely admit to it, to want to move foreward. But she was only human and she wasn't sure how much longer she could keep on doing this. Being his ever-available door mat whenever he felt the need to punish her, and then again being everything he wanted when his love for her prevailed.

Suddenly she was glad that she had a few more days to herself to try to figure everything out, because despite yesterday's decision, right now she had no idea what she should do.

:::::::::::::::::::::::::

Jacob Habib was back in town and Will had successfully asked for an additional session on Monday.

The whole weekend he had been agitated and couldn't concentrate on anything. Instead he had continuously tried to dissect the events of the previous Sunday.

As glad as he was that Mac had texted him that she would be back in the middle of the week, he didn't have a clue as to what to expect from her then. Would she still be angry with him? Would she act normal or ignore him or...?

In the end he wasn't able to think straight anymore and he had gotten to a stage where on Monday morning he was directing his anger at himself at anybody crossing his way.

Maggie had already been a target for not immediately bringing a file he had asked for and he had been a complete ass during the pitch meeting, discarding every suggestion any of the staff made until no one dared to say anything anymore.

So it was really time for him to talk to someone and when he entered Habib's office at lunch time he could barely contain his anxiety, which the doctor sensed immediately.

„What can I do for you, Will?"

„Never go on vacation again! Isn't there a law that forbids psychiatrists to leave town in case a patient needs them?"

„Not that I'm aware of." Habib replied with a barely hidden smile. „And I wasn't on vacation but in San Francisco for a seminar on Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. But why did you need to see me so urgently?"

Will was too riled up to sit down and paced up and down. „I've been beating myself up all of last week... Something... happened..."

Habib leaned back in his chair and put his fingers together in a triangle, waiting for Will to continue, so with a sigh he reluctantly started to talk and summarized the events of the last week, looking out of the window most of the time.

When he was finished Habib remained quiet for a moment, but finally he spoke. „Well, I didn't expect that, to be honest. When did this happen?"

„A week ago yesterday."

„So you've had some time alone with your thoughts. What did you come up with?"

Will stopped his pacing again and this time looked at the young doctor. „I... Yeah, I did a lot of thinking, and I realized that...even if on a different level, I... I betrayed Mac just as she has betrayed me... I mean, she trusted me, and I..."

When Will didn't go on Habib followed up on what he had said. „Does that realization mean you have forgiven her?"

„No!" But as soon as the word left his mouth Will sighed and he faltered a little. „I don't know... I think if nothing else it made me understand that this can just happen, even if you don't intend to hurt the other person..."

„So you are finally ready to admit that I could have been right when I told you during one of our first sessions that what MacKenzie did wasn't about you but about getting un-rejected by her ex?"

As most of the time Will was only reluctantly admitting that Habib may have a point. „I guess that is a possibility..."

Knowing his client by now Habib took this answer as a concession. „Why do you think you feel so bad about hurting McKenzie?"

„Because I love her!" Will could barely hold back on calling the young man an idiot. It felt strange saying it to someone that wasn't Mac though, especially saying to to someone who knew about their past. He had expected to feel embarrassed and appear weak because he still wanted a woman that had betrayed him so immensely in the past, but instead he didn't really feel bad about it, rather... content and at ease with himself. Admitting this to himself he finally settled in the chair he usually occupied during his sessions.

Do you regret what happened?" Habib didn't let up.

„Of course! Listen, whatever you may think of me, I'm not a complete dick... I would never have slept with her if I hadn't..." His voice was trailing off and he couldn't finish the sentence.

„I know you are not, Will. But I want you to be honest: Do you regret _everything_ that has happened that evening?"

Will stayed quiet for a moment and leaned his head back to look at the ceiling. After a long silence he sighed. „I don't regret leaving the message for her..."

Habib smiled. „That is great, Will. That means you are ready for her to know that you love her." He raised his hand when Will wanted to say something. „I know that you have told her the day after, but then you have been freshly caught up in everything that had happened before, you were kind of in a state of emergency. Now you have had a week to think about it and you are still ready to admit that you are in love with Mackenzie. What are you going to do next?"

„I don't have any idea... At least she is coming back to work on Wednesday; she texted me from wherever she is."

„Does that make you happy?"

„Of course it does! And I... I don't want to hurt her anymore..."

That's good, Will. That's really good, you don't want to punish her anymore. So now just answer this question: Do you also want to be with her?

„Yes..." Will's answer was so quiet that Habib could barely understand him.

„So? Why aren't you?" The young doctor was goading him now and Will knew it, but still he looked at Habib as if he had just suggested he should grow a second head.

„Because I _can't_!"

„Why can't you?"

„How should I know? I wouldn't be here if I did!"

„Will..." Habib leaned forward, his eyes concentrating on the man in front of him. „You still think that you need to forgive her. But you have been with her the night you were high. You were able to confess your feelings because the drugs had lowered all inhibitions and you could speak freely from your heart... Is it possible that you may have subconsciously forgiven MacKenzie some time ago already? But that on a rational level you are not willing to _forget_ what she did, because you are afraid to get hurt again, and so you can't be with her?"

Will closed his eyes, trying to process everything Habib had just put out there.  
Could he be right? He _had_ been scared the morning he found Mac in his apartment, although all he had wanted to do was to tell her how he really felt. If Habib was right it would mean that what he had always thought would be the hardest part, forgiving MacKenzie, wasn't an issue anymore, and he only had to get over his angst.  
„So what should I do?"

„Listen to your heart ,Will. It doesn't lie and it will tell you what you really want."

Again Will was quiet for a while, trying to ascertain the consequences of Habib's suggestion. Sighing he finally admitted „I don't now if I'm able to do that..."

„Well... Are you ready to lose MacKenzie?"

Staring at him Will slowly shook his head. „No..."

„I thought so. Then now _you_ have to earn her trust. And her forgiveness. And that is only possible through honesty and patience."

::::::::::::::::::::::::.

„What's up? Why aren't you at work?"

It was Tuesday night. Mac had returned from Maine in the afternoon and had asked her friend Molly to meet her at a small bar close to the FBI building after her shift.  
When she had slid into the booth in the back of the bar Molly had immediately sensed that this wasn't a casual date to catch up which had triggered her question.

„Let's get a drink first, what would you like?"  
Molly nodded and opted for a Screwball while Mac decided to take a Hennessy Alexander. When the drinks were placed in front of them they clinked glasses and drank, but then Molly put hers down and repeated. „What's up, Mac?"

„Something... happened..." Mac sighed and looked down at her fingers before going on. „On the night of the Bin Laden broadcast..."

„That was fantastic, by the way." Molly interrupted her. „I wanted to call you afterwards, but everything was so busy..."

Mac shortly raised her head to smile at her. „Thanks... Well, after the show was over Will called me. I was in the shower so he left a voice message and... in it he said... that he never stopped loving me..."

„Shut the front door! Mac, that is wonderful!" Molly reached for her hand and squeezed it. She knew everything that had happened between the two and also how her friend still felt about Will. „So you are back together?"

Shaking her head Mac tried to bite back her tears. „No... I went over to his place after I had listened to his message. He told me again that he loved me and we spent the most amazing night together. And then... the next morning..." Mac swallowed hard but forced herself to continue. „...he didn't remember anything because he had been high the night before..."

Molly drew in a sharp breath. „Oh Mac, that is terrible, I am so sorry! That bastard, I'm going to..."

„Don't Molly... It was as much my fault as it was his. I knew that he had been high during the show and I just assumed that he was sober again at that point." Mac reflected on that for a moment. „Well, actually I _asked_ him and he said he was, so..." Not being able to prevent a tear from running down her cheek Mac paused and gave Molly a pitiful smile.

„I'm sorry to dump this on you, but I can't talk to anybody else, especially no one from the office. We are a team and have to work together, so I can't risk ruining their relationship with Will. Especially as he didn't mean to...

„Mac, listen to you! You're making the same excuses as you did when you were with Brian. He didn't mean to hurt me, he didn't realize I could overhear him, he wasn't..."

„That was different!" Mac insisted with determination in his voice. „Brian didn't care about anything he did to me nor about my feelings. Will didn't do it on purpose, you should have seen his face when he realized what had happened..."

„Oh Mac... You really still got it bad, mmh?" Molly leaned forward and covered Mc's hand with hers again. „Are you sure he didn't just want to get you in the sack to 'celebrate' after the show?"

Mac could almost hear a complete page of quotation marks following that question and shook her head. „No, he loves me. He even repeated it the day after when he really was sober... He just isn't able to forgive me and to get over what I did. And that is my fault...

„Bullshit!" Molly snorted. „How often does it happen that somebody cheats on his partner and still is forgiven? And you didn't even do it because you were bored with Will or wanted revenge. You were still invested... no, rather _trapped_ in your relationship with Brian, and you needed to figure it out..." Not wanting to be interrupted by her friend she raised her hand and continued.

„Could you have talked to Will about it? Sure, but that wouldn't have helped you to see if you still wanted Brian, you needed the comparison..." She could see that Mac didn't believe a word she was saying, so she changed tactics. „Okay, let's assume it's true that it's on you: Wouldn't that make you even now?"

Mac shook her head, sad and defeated. „No, this is different. Will was high whereas I knew exactly what I was doing with Brian back then..."

Molly raised her eyesbrows. „Did you really? You might not have been on drugs as Will, but were you really able to think rationally about what you were doing at that time?"

„I don't know, Molly, I really don't know..."

Both women remained silent for a moment, Mac emptying her glass and waving to the waitress to order another round. Finally Molly started speaking again.

„So how was working with Will these last days?"

Mac shrugged. „I haven't been to work since, I just couldn't."

„But you said you talked to Will the next day?" Molly wondered.

„Yeah... I had called in sick and Will showed up at my place after the show. That's when he said he still loved me... and that he was working on forgiving me..."

„Wow... What did you tell him?"

„That I needed time and would leave the city for a few days."

„Oh, that's why I got a postcard from Maine, I thought you'd just gone for the weekend... Thanks, by the way... Did the time up there help?"

„I've thought a lot about the whole situation... Before I left I had told Will that I wasn't sure if I could continue working with him after that..."

Molly slammed her open hand onto the table. „Good for you! But... Knowing you I assume it is not a question that you'll go back?"

Not being able to hide a little smile Mac sighed. „You know me too well, Molly... Of course I'll stay at ACN; I love the show, I love the staff and I love Will, so in the end that decision was fairly easy, though I did change my mind several times on that... And it definitely doesn't mean that everything is going to be love, peace and harmony..."

Molly snorted. „When was it ever between the two of you? Even when you were happy you could fight like Benedick and Beatrice..."

Mac grinned at this reference to her favourite Shakespeare play. „And make up just like it..."

At this saucy answer Molly burst out laughing and Mac blushed, but then she couldn't help joining in. It felt so good to let go after all this pent-up tension, but finally she dried her eyes with the back of her hand.

„So, help me to figure out how to go about all of this now."

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Will was absolutely agitated. He was so nervous that he couldn't even sit still while his driver was taking him to ACN.

.

Mac was coming back today and he had no idea how the day would develop. Would it be awkward? Or would they settle right back into their normal work behaviour? If he just knew what Mac was thinking!

Then he told himself again, for the probably four hundredth time... She _had_ texted him, right? So didn't that mean that she was okay with coming into the office?  
He would just behave as always and everything would be fine.. He hoped... At least for the normal day-to-day interaction. Wouldn't it?

Gosh, why didn't he ask Habib what to say?  
Will shook his head. Of course his psychiatrist wouldn't have told him what to say exactly. But he did tell him that he had to gain back Mac's trust and forgiveness, and he had been right. So now he only had to accept that this would probably take some time. There was no way that Mac would be over it already and they could pick up from where they had been before.

Will reflected on this for a moment... _before_...  
Since their break-up their relationship had been divided into a before and an after. Now it still was, except that the before and after were defined differently. This time he was responsible for the cesura, and he was wondering if this meant that with this happening the first 'before and after-period' was history. Would Mac insist they were even now or would her cheating still be an issue for her?

He sighed. He still hadn't figured out what to do, and he could expect Mac to already be in the office when he got there. Seemed like he had to play it by ear.

When he got off the elevator on the 25th floor and entered the bullpen he saw Mac in a conversation with Jim and stopped to observe her for a moment. She looked good, relaxed and recovered, but he was certain that she would tense up the moment she saw him.

Will waited until she finished up with his senior producer and went to her office to follow her. He remained standing in the doorway and Mac startled when she looked up from the papers in front of her. „God, Will, do you have to creep up on me like that?"

„I'm sorry, I didn't mean to..." Will absently waved his hand and entered the room. After a moment's hesitation he closed the door behind him before turning back to her. „You look great, where did you go?"

Mac sighed. „I went up to Maine... Do you really want to do smalltalk now?"

He shook his head. „Sorry... I know, this isn't a good time, but... I just... I need to know if we're okay. At least in a way that we're able to do this show...?" Will raised his eyes from her desk to look at her face, which he had avoided to do while talking, and was secretly disappointed that he didn't see even a hint of the smile he had been hoping for. Instead Mac returned his gaze, biting her lower lip as if she wasn't sure that she should let him know what was on her mind. Finally she simply said „Do you want us to?"

Will inhaled sharply. „God, yes! I thought I had made that clear before you left... I am sorry about what has happened, Mac, I am truly sorry. You know... I'm _not_ sorry about _what_ I said, but I _am_ sorry _that_ I said it."

Seeing Mac's confused and also hurt expression at this remark Will hastened to clarify his words. „At that time, I mean... I'm sorry that I said it that night. It wasn't the right moment. I wasn't ready and it wasn't fair to you..."

Mac weighed his words for a moment and then slowly nodded, not showing any emotions. „Just tell me one thing, Will: The drinks you had that night... Did you have them before or after you left the message for me?

„After, Mac, I swear."

Mac held his eyes until she was satisfied that he had told the truth. Then she got up from behind her desk and walked past him to the door „Time for the pitch meeting, let's go."

Will looked at her surprised. „Wait... What...? Just like that?"

Stopping in front of the door she turned around. „You wanted us to keep on working together, so I guess we should get started?"


	5. Healing

**Healing**

„Sure, sounds good."

This answer earned Will a stern look from Mac. Having him agree with her suggestion for tonight's show without any argument for the third time in a row during this rundown meeting was clearly starting to bother her.

Will had been confused for the last days leading up to this meeting.  
He had wished for them to be able to work together as if nothing had happened, which they _had_ done, but by now it was irritating the hell out of him.

Expect for their usual banter that had gone down to a minimum their work relationship was solid, but whenever their interactions weren't about the show Mac was... curt. Friendly and helpful, but definitely curt at the same time, not reaching out to him on her own for anything else but work.

As a result today he had decided to take a different approach, but appearently him being easy to deal with and not giving Mac any of his usual shit wasn't the right thing to do either. Not surprisingly, when the meeting ended Mac followed him to his office, closed the door and planted herself in front of his desk.

„So just like that you're okay with Strauss-Kahn's arrest for alleged sexual assault to only go into the C block? What is _wrong_ with you?"

Will decided to play dumb. „What are you talking about? You wanted it in the C block, didn't you?"

„Of course I did, but you never give up so easily. Not on a case like this, reeking of sex and politics. It's exactly what you are always trying to get into the A block, and now you don't even try to fight for it?"

„Maybe you have finally converted me to your A's and I's..."

Mac snorted. „As if... You might be 'in' and you're making progress, but I know that I still have a lot of work to do on that front. So _why_ , Will?"

He sighed. Why should he make up a reason when the truth was that he didn't want to fight with her. „I just wanted to show you that I trust you!"

This shut Mac up for a moment, but then she threw her hands into the air and spit. „I _know_ that you trust me when it comes to work!"  
Implying without further words that she wanted his trust on a personal level she saw that he understood perfectly what she meant, but when he didn't say anything in return she went on. „I want your _respect_ and I want to be able to respect you! But you're making that pretty difficult when you bury your convictions just to please me!"

Will looked at her with a slightly stunned expression. „How can you think...? _Of course_ I respect you!"

„Then tell me why you haven't fought me on any decison today?"

Will looked at her, suddenly feeling stupid that he had thought he could maybe make up with Mac by simply agreeing with her on everything. „Okay... Okay, if that's what you want: Strauss-Kahn needs to go into the A block. He's not only the head of the IMF but expected to follow Sarkozy as president of France after the next election. And everybody else will be opening with the allegations."

„And when everybody else jumps down the bridge you follow? If there wasn't sex involved nobody would start their show with it. What _is_ important for our viewers is that Medicare could be running out of money in 2024 if no action is taken. Also the NATO attack on Gaddafi's compound in Libya and the protests in Kabul following the shooting of the 15-year old boy by U.S. Forces after pulling a gun on them. Strauss-Kahn will go into the C block and then Sloan can pick it up and talk about the consequences for the IMF in her segment right after that."

„That would mean she needs more time and we don't have that today."

„No, she doesn't. She told me her usual five minutes will be enough for that... So?"

„B block then and we pull Sloan up."

„Full. We have Pakistan's resolution for an immediate stop on U.S. drone strikes or they'll withdraw there NATO support, Huckabee's announcement that he won't be running for president, Senator Kohl from Wisconsin not running again which will make it even harder for the Democrats to keep the majority in next year's election, the clashes in Jerusalem and Obama's promise to look for oil in Alaska and the Gulf of Mexico."

„So why did you want me to fight you in the first place if the story ends up in the C block anyway?" Will sounded a little unnerved by now; could he _ever_ do anything right these days?

Mac shrugged. „Because this is us... This way it just feels right. I don't want to just decide.." The next sentenced was accompanied by a slight smirk. „Once in a while you do have a good argument."

Turning around she walked towards the door where she stopped without looking back and added with a quiet voice „And... Right now it's good to see that your pigheadedness is still part of who you are and not only applies to our past..."

Without waiting for his answer she left Will's office.

Once again he felt like he had received a blow to the stomach. Moments like these reminded him of how hurt she must still feel, especially as so far they had both avoided talking about 'the incident' since the conversation on her first day back.

Maybe he should tell her that he was really working hard on himself... Yeah, he would do that, tonight after the show.

::::::::::::::::::::::::::

With Will chipping in a little more during the final rundown meeting the rest of the day went better and Mac even went a little softer on him during the show, interacting more than in the days before, where she had simply giving him the facts he needed to know. This made it a little easier for Will to go through with his plan to talk to her, and after changing out of his Armani suit he gave himself an encouraging nod in the mirror before leaving the bathroom.

Just when he wanted to open his door to the bullpen he saw Mac walking from her office towards Jim who was sitting at his desk. She had changed into a pair of jeans and that fucking leather jacket that would be his undoing one day. Before he could lose himself in the memory of the last time he had seen her in this outfit though, he watched the two exchanging a few words until Jim pointed towards the entrance. Following his finger with his eyes Will saw that a man he had never seen before had entered the room.

With a wide smile Mac said a few more words to her senior producer who nodded, and then walked towards the stranger, a tall, good looking fellow as Will grudgingly had to admit. Seeing him pulling her into a hug an uneasy feeling started to spread through his stomach. He wanted to walk up to them to be introduced to this guy, but being unable to move he could only watch them turn around and walk towards the elevator.

 _Fuck!_ What was that all about?  
Didn't Mac say she loved him? So how could she go out with another guy? A guy who obviously was more than a casual acquaintance, too familiar and comfortable seemed their greeting.

Slowly he backed away from the door into his dark office, sitting down behind his desk with his thoughts crying havoc. It took a while until he was capable of forming any coherent thought other than that he wanted to punch the other guy in the face, but slowly he calmed down and forced himself to think rationally.

He would not make the same mistake again, shutting down and brooding in his rage. He would talk to Mac, like he had planned. As Habib had said he needed to be open with her and let her know about his feelings. He only hoped he wasn't too late.

::::::::::::::::::::::::::

The next day he came into the office a little earlier than ususal.  
The night before he had remained at his desk for a good while longer before he had decided to ask Jim about the man that had come to pick up Mac, but when he had been ready to leave he was already gone.

Sleep hadn't come easy to him that night and the little he'd gotten had been disturbed by dreams consisting of incoherent bits and pieces of the past – him and Mac during their happy days, her confession, him turned into a miserable son of a bitch, brooding over her betrayal, and then pictures of Mac traveling through the desert amidst a group of soldiers, bombs going off on all sides, and later her lying on the ground with a huge knife protruding from her stomach and blood colouring the sand beneath her red.

He had felt absolutely whacked when he had woken up and hadn't seen a chance that he would be able to go back to sleep, so after drinking a strong, black coffee he decided to get ready for work.

When he entered the still almost empty bullpen he saw that Mac was already behind her desk, and steeling himself he walked over to her office, knocking at the door.

„Hey..."

Mac looked up and gave him a barely noticable smile. „Morning. You're early?"

„Yeah, I couldn't sleep anymore." Lingering in front of her desk he desperately thought of something innocuous to say, but his mind was circling around only one topic and he almost blurted the next words out. „I... How was you're evening?"

Mac's eyes became small and immediately Will wanted to kick himself for this much too obvious question.

„ _Fine_..." Her voice sounded cold and distant. „Why are you asking?"

Wishing he could just disappear Will knew he couldn't back off now. „I... I... Where... _Fuck_ , who was that guy you went out with?"

Now her face went stern and he squirmed internally. „I don't think I need to answer that. And why would you want to know anyway, Will?"

He thought about Habib's advise to follow his heart, and taking a deep breath he forced himself to push back the immediate notion to lash out at Mac for playing games but tried to get in touch with his inner feelings. It didn't come easy to him, but realizing that she was right, that she didn't need to explain herself to him, he looked down at his feet and tried to gather his courage. „I didn't think... I was hoping you... _we..._ wouldn't see other people until we've figured this out..."

Mac was stunned into silence, she definitely hadn't expected an answer like that. Finally she managed to stutter „Oh... Oh, okay... You've never said anything like that before."

„I know, and I'm sorry. It's none of my business who you are dating... It's just... I want you to know that I'm working on it. Pretty damn hard actually. Mac, I..." Will took a deep breath; this was it. „Habib helped me realize that... that I have forgiven you. If you feel you need my forgiveness at all after what I have done, that is..." He hastily added the last words when he noticed her eyes growing wide and continued when she didn't say anything.

„If... I... If I hadn't I wouldn't be able to admit that I love you, and I do, Mac, I really do! I just have to get over being scared..." Will looked up, embarrased to admit his weakness but at the same time hoping for her to understand. He saw her gaze soften at his last words and when she spoke all harshness had disappeared from her voice, carrying a touch of sadness now instead.

„It's all my fault, isn't it? That you can't trust anybody anymore... I'm so sorry, Will..."

„No, it isn't, Mac. It's my father's fault..." He paused and shrugged while giving her an unhappy smile. „It actually took me ages to see that. My past has made me much more sensitive to betrayal then others, and that's what I'm working at right now, to not be afraid of getting hurt anymore."

For a long time both of them remained silent. Although a small part of him was terrified about having opened up Will felt actually good now that he had let her in. Habib had been right, he needed to be honest with her and couldn't shut her out anymore.

He watched Mac thinking about his words, and when she finally looked up from her desk she had been staring at for several minutes he let out a silent sigh of relief when he saw that her eyes emitted a warmth he hadn't seen from her in a long time.

„Okay... I just wanted you to know. I'll let you get back to work..." Will watched her for another moment, not moving despite his words, but then he forced himself to turn around and walk towards the door.

„Will!"

Hearing her call out for him he looked back, raising his eyebrows in a silent question.  
Openly meeting his eyes Mac went on with a gentle voice. „It wasn't a date last night. Well, not a _date-date_. The man you saw was Mike, my camera man in the Middle East. He was in town and we went out to dinner to catch up. Jim joined us later after he had finished up here."

Visibly relaxing Will nodded after a moment and gave her a grateful smile.  
„Thank you for telling me."

::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Following this conversation their relationship got better again; they were more relaxed in each others company and the tension in the newsroom had considerably gone down.

Mac had decided that if Will needed more time she would give it to him and let him figure out what he wanted. She knew that he was continuing his sessions with Dr. Habib, and all she could do was to show him that she was there for him.

During the next weeks they acted purely professional, but the banter was mostly back, and once in a while they even spent their lunch breaks together and had take-out in one of their offices. Still, when it came to their personal life it still felt like walking on eggshells which didn't go unnoticed by everybody.

Since the conversation Charlie'd had with Will when Mac was on vacation he had kept an eye on both of them and finally decided that they needed a small push in the right direction.

At the end of June he entered the bullpen and motioned Mac, who was just talking to Jim, to follow him into Will's office. She quickly caught up with him and walked past her boss, who was holding the door open for her, and then turned around to look at him.

„Listen, you two. In a couple of weeks CNN is hosting a farewell party for Christiane Amanpour, before she starts her new job at ABC. Leona and I were supposed to go but we can't make it, so you will have to stand in for us and represent ACN."

Will pulled a face. „But, why do _we_ have...?"

Charlie didn't let him finish. „Because you are the face of ACN and I believe you, Mac, know Christiane well from your time at CNN, right?"

She nodded. „Yeah, and before that. I'd actually love to go, it would be nice to see her again, it's been ages."

„See?" Charlie looked at Will with a satisfied grin. „I don't care what's going on between the two of you. You are both invited, you will both represent ACN and you'll both be civil towards each other... Formal attire, by the way."

His star anchor didn't let it show, but with Mac accepting this invitation that had been forced on them, he suddenly didn't feel the need to come up with an excuse to skip the party anymore. Pictures from the past of Mac wearing a gorgeous dress and them swirling on the dance floor popped up in his mind and made him smile at her. „Pick you up?"

Mac bit her lower lip for a moment but then returned his smile and nodded. „Thanks."

„Okay, then get back to work. I have Millie bring you the official invitations." With this Charlie left his top news team behind in the room, Will still eying Mac. „Are you okay with this?"

„Sure, why should we go separately?" She looked at her watch. „But Charlie's right, the rundown is about to start, let's go."

::::::::::::::::::::::::::

The closer the day of the party came the more Will was looking forward to it, and he was actually getting excited about the prospect of going on an official date with Mac, at least that's what he categorized it as for himself.

Mac however seemed to withdraw back into herself the week before the party. She seemed stressed and absent-minded, but when he asked her about it she insisted that everything was okay, and their relationship was still too fragile for Will to dig deeper.

Then the night of the party came, and Will picked her up, as promised.  
When Mac stepped out of the front door of her building his breath hitched and he had to force his eyes away to not openly gape at her and open the car door for her to slide in. She was wearing a gorgeaus satin evening gown, sapphire-blue with a strapless, formfitting bodice and a long, slightly flared skirt that both accentuated her incredible figure.

Swallowing hard Will let his gaze roam over her body once before he forced himself to look in her face. „You look wonderful, Mac."

Passing him she thanked him with a shy smile and ducked to get into the car. The ride itself was spent in silence, Will not quite knowing how to start the conversation and Mac seemingly not interested in small talk.

When they arrived the party was already in full swing and Mac introduced Will to some of her former colleagues. Leaving her to freshen up their memories he went to get them champagne, and when he returned Mac was talking to Christiane. Although Will had never really spoken to her before except for short greetings at media events in the past, he knew that Mac, having met her in London, had been friends with her already before she got together with Will.

When he appeared at her side she gave him a quick smile and took one of the glasses out of his hands. „This is Will McAvoy, my anchor at ACN. Will – Christiane."

Smiling Will and Christiane shook hands. „It's a pleasure to finally meet you, Christiane."

„Same here. I like what you have done with your show."

Will couldn't help a sideglance at Mac and saw that her smile had deepened. „Thanks, but the credit for that has to go to this lovely lady here. She knows how to keep my ass in line, if you pardon my language."

Christiane laughed. „Why doesn't that surprise me? Mac, I was very impressed with your report an the Afghan refugee camp in Pakistan, the Peabody was well deserved."

„Thanks, Christiane. It was a hard time, but who am I talking to? Still, overall I don't want to miss that experience, though I honestly don't know how you managed to do this for so long."

Mac felt Will's eyes on her and avoided to look at him, but Christiane picked up on the sudden tension between them and looked from Will to Mac and back, realization dawning on her face. „Don't tell me... You're _the_ Will...?"

When she saw his gaze shift to her, questioningly raising his eyebrows, she shrugged. „Mac and I met in Islamabad in... 2008 it was, I think. That girl was in dire need of a friend and we talked all night..." She smiled. „Well, I'm glad you're back together."

„Oh, we're not..." Both of them uttered these words at the same time and then broke off, Will's expression a little sheepish, while Mac looked rather uncomfortable. Christiane quickly picked up on her mistake and apologetically placed a hand on her friend's arm „Oops, I guess I really put my foot in it, I'm sorry. I have to mingle with the other guests, but Mac, we really should meet again soon. I call you once I got settled at ABC?"

„Of course, I'll be looking forward to it. And good luck with your new show!" Mac and Chrisiane hugged before the guest of honour left to talk to the group standing next to them.

Mac and Will joined some other people, but Will could tell that she was partly distracted. Sure enough after a while she told him that she needed some fresh air, so he led her to one of the small balconies. She immediately went to the balustrade and raised her face towards the sky, breathing deeply.

Will watched her for a moment, but when she didn't move or talk he closed the french door leading back into the room and spoke up. „Mac, you haven't been yourself these last days... I don't know what the reason is and this might not be the right time, but I still owe you..You wanted to talk... _after_... So if you want to, tell me what happened over there?"

At first she didn't react, but after a moment she sighed and shook her head. „It's got nothing to do with the Middle East."

„So what is it then?" Again she didn't say anything and Will's level of anxiety rose. „Mac, talk to me. Please."

It took another moment before Mac showed any reaction to his words, but then she took another deep breath and tightened the grip of her fingers on the sandstone railing. With her back still to him she finally let him in.

„I thought I was pregnant."


	6. Home

And here the last chapter.

A M-rated version can be found on AO3.

Enjoy!

* * *

 **Home  
**

„ _I thought I was pregnant."_

Will was stunned. Mac's words echoed through his head, and all he could do was listen to them over and over and stare at her until he was finally able to speak.

„I... Wow... I... How... But you've said... Wait, you _thought_ you were pregnant?"

Her answer was so quiet that he barely heard it. „I did, but it turned out to be a false positive."

Will still only looked at her back she had turned to him, not quite able to process what she had said. „But... You said we didn't need protection. I remember asking you."

Turning around Mac faced him, though only for the duration of her reply to put emphasis on the fact that she hadn't lied to him. „And we didn't. I'm on the pill, but you surely know that it's not 100% fool-proof?"

Right, he hadn't thought of that...  
Being presented her backside again he noticed that although it was a warm summer night she was shivering, so Will shrugged out of his jacket and stepped up behind Mac to put it around her shoulders. Jumping at the touch initially she quickly recovered and quietly thanked him while pulling the fabric further around her for warmth.

Taking a place next to her at the railing Will was now also overlooking the illuminated skyline of the city but didn't see anything except a very pregnant Mac. Mac with a tiny baby in her arm. Mac lovingly looking at him over the head of a blond boy she was kneeling in front of. Mac reading a book to a beautiful little girl, both of them nestled into a corner of his couch. The same dark-haired girl excitedly running towards him, laughing and throwing herself into his waiting arms...

And then it felt like his heart stopped beating when he realized that this was what he wanted. That this was what he had always wanted; a life with Mac, a family.  
It wasn't a new thought; they had talked about children the first time around, but now... Having been so close to it, even if unplanned, by accident, made him feel a loss he could never have imagined.

They both remained quiet for a while, neither of them sure how to go on from here.  
Mac was questioning herself if she had done the right thing by telling him - here, now... or at all. She had been confused all week, scared to hell one moment, happy and giddy with excitement the next, but never sure if she should tell Will or not. Now that she had a part of her felt relieved, but she knew that nothing between them was resolved. From here on it could go either way and it frightened her more than she had expected.

In the meantime Will's thoughts were still running in all directions before settling on one point he felt was important to clarify. „Why didn't you tell me? You do know I would have been there for you, don't you? For _both_ of you..."

He felt Mac's eyes on him, and when he turned his head he saw them filled with pain but also disbelief that he didn't seem to get it, and her voice almost broke when she spoke. „All I ever wanted was to have a family with you, Will, but do you really think I would be able to raise a child with you whilst knowing that you don't trust me?"

There it was, the next blow.  
He tensed and his old self would have been outraged by this statement, probably blown up into Mac's face, but strangely enough this time he understood.  
This time it wouldn't have only been her, taking every punishment he could think of exerting on her. No, this time she would have had to shield a child – _their child_ – from his wrath, or at least that's what she thought.

How was Mac supposed to know that apart from the fact that he would never _ever_ hurt a child - physically or verbally or any other way - he had made great progress over the last weeks with Habib and had already been close to figuring everything out before what had just happened.  
And now... Thinking about what could have been but also about all the pain he had caused her, all he wanted to do was to make it up to her, to show her that he loved and needed and trusted her for the rest of his life.

But before he could tell her that he needed to know something else.  
Will held Mac's gaze, nodding slowly, while asking with a strained voice „Would you have had an abortion?"

Averting her eyes again Mac stared at the city for a long time while he forgot to breathe and anxiously waited for an answer. Finally she faltered with her shoulders sagging and shook her head. „No... I thought about it for about ten seconds and after that never again. I've actually been starting to get excited about it... But... I would probably have left ACN, maybe gone back to England..."

„Would you have told me at all?" Feeling like someone had knocked all air out of him Will closed his eyes, not even certain if he wanted to know the answer.

„I don't know..." Mac's answer was only a whisper, but it cut through him like a knife. He couldn't even begin to fathom the amount of hurt he had caused her that she had even considered the possibility of not letting him know that he was a father. The father of her child, as mute as it was now.

They both remained silent again, but Will knew, that this was it. Just like when he had left the voicemail message and then told her in her office that he had forgiven her, this was another turning point. If he was to let Mac walk away from this situation, he would most likely never get another chance.

Carefully he moved his hand to cover hers that was resting on the balcony railing, reassured when she didn't pull it away. „Mac, we need to talk."

She didn't move her head but kept staring ahead at the night skyline. „About what? I'm not pregnant, so there's nothing to talk about."

„Yes, there is. _Us_."  
This earned Will a quick side glance, but Mac immediately turned her eyes away once more and remained silent, so he gathered all his courage and continued.

„Mac, just now, when you told me that you had thought you were pregnant... _That's_ what I want. I want you and I want to have a family with you, only with you. I love you, I always will. There will never be anybody else for me, you have to know that."

Will heard her breath hitch, but after a moment of silence he heard the question he had been expecting. „Why am I supposed to believe you this time?"

Despite the scepticism coating her voice, barely a whisper, Mac _wanted_ to believe him. This past week, from taking the pregnancy test to her ob-gyn telling her this morning that despite of it being positive she was not pregant, she had played out endless scenarios of how her life would look like if she had a child, and every single time she had ended up wishing for the three of them to be a family. But how was she supposed to know if he was serious, that he really wanted to be with her, that he trusted her?

Will on the other hand knew that he had to convince her of his sincerity and took a deep breath to answer her question. „Apart from the fact that I am not high right now, I've told you before that I am working hard on myself. I was almost there already, and you just now gave me the last push that I needed. I've been the world's biggest idiot, but no more. I love you and I want you. Always."

Will finally dared to move his hand to Mac's shoulder to turn her towards him. Lifting her chin with his finger he forced her to look into his eyes before he went on.  
„I'm unbelievably sorry I hurt you, not only once but over and over again. I will never be able to undo it, but I swear to God that on the night of the Bin Laden broadcast I didn't do it intentionally. And I also promise that I will never do it again, no matter what happens."

He swallowed hard but continued after a short pause, still looking at her to proof that he wasn't chickening out. „I was hurt when you told me about Brian, yes, but the real problem was that I felt betrayed. Each time I thought about you and him I not only saw the two of you together, but I also had my father in the back of my head." Feeling that his grip on her shoulder had tightened involuntarily at the sheer thought of this man he forced himself to relax his fingers.

„Everytime he was sober again after beating my mother and us he was miserable and promised us it would never happen again, and for much too long we've believed him... Every single time, only to have him come home drunk again a few days later and start all over. This was so imprinted in my memory that I thought I couldn't trust you anymore... I was afraid if you had done it once... What was there to stop you from doing it again?"

Will paused but didn't take his eyes from Mac, who had flinched at his last words. He needed to let her see that he was opening his heart to her, that he wasn't holding anything back, as hard as it was.

Seeing tears shimmering in her eyes he carefully let his hand slide down her arm to squeeze her fingers. „Habib helped me realize that what you did had nothing to do with the repetitive abuse by my father. You simply made a mistake and I was too caught up in my own misery to even listen to you. I've made you pay dearly for it and I'm so, so sorry, MacKenzie."

Now a single tear escaped and ran down Mac's cheek, but she nodded and gave him a small, hopeful smile at the same time. „You mean it?"

„I swear to God, Mac, I have never meant anything more in my life!"

Suddenly she was thrown back to the night he had told her he loved her a few weeks ago, when he had said the exact same words, and her eyes took on a more wary expression. „You... You're really not high right now?"

Shaking his head Will softly smiled at her. „No, I had half a glass of champagne in there, nothing else tonight."

Feeling like a giant weight had been lifted off her mind Mac carefully returned the smile. „So what happens now?"

Will was quiet for a moment, realizing that this wasn't the right place to take their conversation further. When a few balconies down a door was opened the sound of music was carried over to them. „Why don't we go back inside, stay a little longer until we have paid our dues, and then we go some place where we can really talk?"

This sounded like a sensible idea, but she still had to make sure. „Will... Do you trust me?"

Returning her gaze steadfastly he nodded, his voice firm and strong, not allowing room for any doubt. „I do. I know that you love me and I know that you will never do something like that again."

Knowing that he was right about that Mac felt like a heavy burden was lifted from her shoulders, but how could _he_ be so sure?  
„How do you know?"

The certainty in Will's gaze never wavered and he gave her another reassuring smile. „As I've just said, I trust you, and consequently I believe you. But also you wouldn't still be here after all I've put you through if you weren't sure that this is what you want. And it's what I want, too."

Finally he saw her completely relax, and when a brilliant smile appeared on her face Will couldn't resist pulling her closer to him and let his gaze roam across her face before he spoke. „Would you do me the honor and dance with me?"

„I'd love that."

Not letting go of her hand he took a step to open the door to the ballroom and let Mac step inside before he followed her. Without stopping to speak to anyone they reached the dance floor and Will pulled Mac into his arms, leading her in a slow foxtrot. They had always been good together on the dance floor and immediately found their rhythm.

Both of them were lost in thought, relaxed in each others arms but still thinking about what had just happened on the balcony; analyzing while hoping at the same time that it had only been the first step towards so much more. Finally Will broke the silence.

„In case I didn't say it before: You look wonderful tonight."

„Thank you." Mac's smile quickly turned into a chuckle. „I was actually planning to wear the dress I wore on New Year's Eve... I thought that would make you crazy. I know what that dress did to you that night, but then...Well, I didn't feel like teasing you tonight with everything else..."

Will saw a shadow clouding her eyes and knew that she was talking about her hopes for a child having been crashed today. Soothingly he moved his thumb over her lower back, trying not to let his entire hand stray too obviously, but he didn't want to bring the subject up again here in public and decided to take their conversation down another road. „So you planned on torturing me, eh?"

Suddenly the spark in Mac's eyes was back and they gleamed mischievously. „Can't blame a girl for trying..."

Will smirked back at her. „Going out with a georgeous lady in an unbelievable sexy dress? Anytime..."

Just then the band started an even slower song and he took the chance to pull Mac in even tighter, marveling at how well they still fit together; her body melting into his and her head now leaning against his shoulder.

They slowly moved on the spot and with a content sigh he leaned his cheek against her hair, enjoying its silky softness and drawing in the familiar scent. Mac's arms had carefully sneaked around his waist, and both of them wished this song would never end. If they could go on from here without having to do any more talking, everything might be just fine...

However, the song did finally come to an end and they reluctantly moved apart, Will quickly taking her hand in his again. It was clear that neither of them had any interest in staying at this party any longer, and after a short, wordless dialogue with their eyes Mac nodded. „Let's just say a quick goodbye to Christiane."

Still not letting go of her Will followed her off the dance floor to where Christiane was standing with her husband, Jack Tapper and Wolf Blitzer. The men exchanged a few niceties while both women confirmed their intention to meet again soon. When they hugged though Christiane didn't immediately let go of Mac but couldn't resist to quietly speak in her ear. „So you're _not_ together again? Didn't look like it when you were dancing just now, you know...?"

Blushing heavily Mac cast a quick glance at Will and then whispered, suddenly feeling a little shy about it „We're working on it."

A satisfied smile appeared on her friend's face and she leaned in once more. „I expect a full report when we meet for lunch. Good luck!"  
With this she turned towards Will to shake his hand, confirming again that it had indeed been a pleasure to meet him, before returning to her previous conversation.

Will nodded goodbye to the others and took Mac's arm to lead her towards the exit, not missing that her face still hadn't returned to its normal color. „Are you alright? What did she say to you?"

„Nothing, I'm fine." Giving him a smile that she was hoping emphasized her words she asked him to get their coats while she would go to he ladies' room, and once she returned he had not only recovered their garments but had also summoned his driver to meet them outside.

When the elevator doors had closed behind them Will turned to Mac and took her hand. „Are you... Would it be okay if we go to my place?" When he saw her starting tense up a little he quickly went on. „Just to talk, nothing else. This way you can leave anytime you want and don't have to worry about how to get me out of your space. It's just... I just don't want to do this in some restaurant or bar..."

After a few seconds Mac bowed her head in consent, and when he interlaced their fingers she did not try to remove her hand but held on until they had left the building and reached the car.

During the ride they remained silent, both of them looking out of their respective window and pondering over what had happened during the evening so far, nevertheless still holding hands and drawing comfort and certainty from their touch.

When they arrived at Will's place he helped Mac out of the car, thanked the driver and led her into the building with his hand on her back. Keeping contact suddenly felt so important that he wouldn't voluntarily stop touching her unless she objected.

On entering his apartment he then attentively helped her out of her bolero jacket and asked her to make herself comfortable while he would get her a glass of wine, if she'd liked. She thankfully accepted, not because she particularly felt like it, but because she knew it would help her to have something to hold on to during their upcoming conversation. She was nervous and tied up in knots, not knowing what outcome to expect, while deep inside a little voice kept telling her that it could only be a _good_ sign that Will wanted to talk about them.

After a moment he returned and placed a glass of red in front of her before he sat down next to her, facing her but still keeping an appropriate distance between them. „Cheers, MacKenzie."

Seeing that he was holding up a glass of water she questioningly raised her eyebrows which made him shrug. „I won't drink any more alcohol tonight, I don't want there to be any misunderstandings."

Suddenly Mac didn't feel quite so anxious anymore. Will was serious; he apparently really wanted to work things out, so she slightly raised her glass. „Cheers."

After the first sip she relaxed into the cushions, took off her shoes to curl her legs underneath her body and looked at him, but didn't say a word. Finally Will took the lead.

„You really wouldn't want to miss your time in the Middle East?"

She heard the barely concealed hurt in his voice and sighed. „I knew you had picked up on that... You know, if we hadn't split up I would most probably never have thought of going there, and I wouldn't know what I had missed. But seeing that we did I'm glad I didn't just take another studio job. It was an unbelievable experience. Tough, challenging, but at the same time so very..." For a second she had to think about the right word. „... rewarding... Experiencing the tensions between the different parties, the incredible suffering of the people and knowing that it was up to _me_ to let the world know about it, to show the people what was really going on..." Mac shook her head and looked into his eyes. „No, on a _professional_ level I am glad I went there."

After a moment Will smiled at her, glad that her feeling didn't seem to be based on their separation per se. „I can understand that, and you really did a tremendous job over there. Christiane was right, you absolutely deserved that Peabody."

He saw the pride well up in her eyes at his words, showing him that she valued his opinion. He realized that they had never talked about what she had experienced over there before, and he had to fight down a sudden wave of shame that not once in the past fifteen months he had shown any interest in what she had gone through during their time apart. He knew that this wasn't the right moment to go into details or to let her know that he had at least followed her reporting very closely, but suddenly he wondered. „Do you want to do it again?"

Mac could hear the hint of uneasiness in Wills voice and touched his knee with her fingers, shaking her head. „No, I've been there. Now I just want to be...I want to be home..."

Before she could withdraw her hand Will quickly grabbed it and softly moved his thumb over it, before he looked up to meet her gaze. „You _are_ home, Mac..."

Mac swallowed hard, but she didn't avert her eyes. „Am I?"

„Yes! Your home is right here if you want it to be..." Will tightened his grip on her hand. „I was an idiot before, I've already told you that. I... I want you here, with me. Forever."

Tears were threatening to fall from Mac's eyes once more, but he knew that he still had some explaining to do.  
„You didn't need to tell me about... _him.._. If you hadn't, I would never have known. But you did, and at first I thought you had told me because you wanted to break up with me..." Mac stirred and wanted to say something, but with a shake of his head Will silently asked her to let him finish and went on. „... So what use was there in running after you? Or to let you see how much I was hurting?"

It was a rethorical question but Mac couldn't stay quiet any longer. „It was never about you, Will, _never_."

„I know, Mac, I know that now... Habib helped me a lot with that... I can see now that you told me because of us, so that we could have a chance..." He wanted to pull her into his arms so badly right then, but he knew that they had to sort this out without any distractions, physical or otherwise. „You're incredibly strong, McKenzie, and I'm so sorry I was so hard on you. Back then and now during the last weeks as well... Well, since you came back actually."

With a sad smile Mac waved him off. „It's okay, I deserved all of that. Just the morning after the Bin Laden broadcast... I had trusted that you were sure about us, that you'd dealt with everything... All I wanted was for you to clearly say what you want. I needed to hear that you are _there for me_. That you are on the same page with me, and that you want me... And then you just pulled the rug out from under my feet..." Her voice broke at the memory. „I was hurt, Will, incredibly hurt... In part it was even worse than when you threw me out four years ago, because _this time_ I didn't deserve it..."

If there were any ruins left at all from the wall Will had built around his heart to protect himself, right this moment every last brick came tumbling down and turned into dust, and he felt like he was drowning in all the love he felt for this woman in front of him. He put his glass aside and took Mac's from her as well, before he pulled her into his arms.  
„You didn't deserve it back then either or at least not the way I've treated you afterwards, just shutting down and not giving you any chance to explain yourself... I love you, Mac, I love you so much. I can't remember a single day I didn't since the moment we met, and I will never stop loving you. I promise."

With a sob Mac threw her arms around his neck and buried her head in his shoulder. Suddenly everything she had held back for so long needed to come out and her whole body was shaking. As much as it hurt Will to see her like that, he knew that she needed this relief and ran his hand up and down her back to calm her while he never ceased whispering _I love you's_ in her ear.

Finally, after several minutes, her tears ran dry, and riding out a few hiccups she pressed her head into him one more time before she moved back a little to look at him and cup his face with one hand, so beautiful despite her red eyes and tear-stained face. „I love you, too, Billy. I've never stopped. The last years have been hell and you were right earlier tonight, I will never do _anything_ to risk our relationship again, you have to know that. I don't know if I could survive losing you again..."

Hearing her call him by the nickname she had given him all tension rapidly left his body and a soft, genuine smile she hadn't seen in a long time appeared on his face. „We'll never have to find out, because I'll never let you go again."

With this he let one of his hands slide up to pull her face towards him, but just when he wanted to kiss her another hiccup erupted. Giggling she moved even closer and breathed against his lips „Distract me, Billy..."

With a groan Will covered her mouth and let his tongue delve into it, eagerly awaited by her own. He had planned to take this slowly, but Mac obviously had other ideas and things heated up quickly while she moved up on the couch to sit on his lap, letting the skirt of her dress slide up to her hips in the process to be able to straddle him.

Will knew that this was going much too fast, but right now touching her, kissing her, simply holding her seemed to be as important for survival as breathing itself. Promising himself to only indulge in this for another moment he deepened the kiss while sliding one hand up and down her thigh and splaying the other one over her back to hold her closer against him. Mac's hands were buried in his hair and she moaned deeply, but after a long while breathing _did_ become imperative and they pantingly broke the kiss.

With her eyes not leaving his for a second she slowly let her hand glide down to undo his bow tie, but when she started to unbutton his shirt Will covered her hand to stop her. „Mac..."

Smiling seductively she shook off his hand to continue with her self-imposed task but again he interrupted her by taking her hand and pulling it down. Seeing the confused look in her eyes he quickly gave her a reassuring smile, still catching his breath. „Not tonight, MacKenzie. I promised you we would just talk..."

„Well, we did..." Unsuccessfully trying to free her hand she frowned at him. „You're serious, aren't you?"

As hard as it was, Will still did not intend to leave any room for further misconceptions. He would play it by the book, and tonight's script dictated that he showed Mac that she could trust him. As much as he wanted to take this to the next level, and she apparently as well, he didn't lure her into his apartment tonight to sleep with her, and he was determined to not let it happen.

He tried not to think about the feeling of Mac's slender legs framing his hips and what her movements in his lap did to his manhood that was already pressing up against her, but repeated himself. „I promised we would just come here to talk, and that you could go home at anytime..." Seeing a flash of pain flicker across her face he quickly clarified. „I would love for you to stay the night, but I won't be offened if you decide to go home. It's all up to you."

Staring at him Mac realized that despite all the words they had shared tonight Will actually needed to _show_ her that she could trust him, and she loved him all the more for it. She consciously took a couple of deep breaths to let the desire of the last few moments subside a little, before she warmly smiled at him. „Thank you, Billy, that really means a lot to me."

With this she carefully got up and he expected her to put on her shoes to leave, but when she stood next to the couch she held out her hand. „Let's go to bed."

Will's eyes lit up and he quickly moved from the couch. „Are you sure you want to stay?"

Not even dignifying this question with an answer she pulled him towards his bedroom. „Do you have a spare toothbrush and a shirt I can wear?"

Will hummed confirmingly and pointed to the bathroom. „Look under the sink. Go ahead, I'll get you something to wear in the meantime."

Hurrying up it only took Mac a few minutes to get rid of most of her make-up and brush her teeth, and when she came out of the bath Will was already waiting for his turn. When he walked past her she touched his arm and pointed at the back of her dress. „Could you please...?"

„Of course." Will carefully moved Mac's hair out of the way and started to slowly pull down the zipper of her dress. He had always loved to undress her, but he couldn't remember it ever being such an erotic moment; problably because he knew that nothing was going to happen tonight although he wanted her so badly. Forcing himself to concentrate and not to forget to breathe he couldn't resist to press a lingering kiss to the nape of her neck once the dress was open. The resulting shiver that ran through Mac didn't help his resolve at all, but he firmly took a step back and spoke with a hoarse voice. „I'll be right back."

Though disappointed Mac smiled at herself. Even if she understood his motivation she did not intend to make it easy for him; and if he was as aroused as she was, then he was indeed suffering like hell right now.

Quickly she stepped out of her dress and neatly put it over a chair, but when she moved to the bed and saw one of her own pyjama tops waiting for her that she must have left behind when she had moved out all those years ago, her heart stopped for a moment. Picking it up she carefully let her hand run over it, not able to believe that Will had kept it all this time, even moved it with him to this apartment. _Oh Billy...  
_ She was caught in all that could have been, but when she saw a tear falling onto the fabric she was holding she forced herself back into the present and quickly pulled the shirt over her head.

She had just gotten into bed, instinctively occupying 'her' side, when Will came out of the bathroom in his boxers and a faded t-shirt and slid under the covers. Turning onto his side to face her he then frowned. „Were you crying? What's wrong?"

Shaking her head Mac smiled. „It's just... You've kept my shirt?"

Suddenly Will looked almost embarrassed. „I...I've kept everything you left behind, and everything you ever gave me... Even... Remember the picture of us we had on the living room shelf? When you had left I was so mad that I threw it against the wall, but I not only kept the picture itself but also the frame and every single splinter of glass I could find... It's all back in there..." He nodded in the direction of the closet. „I'm sorry..."

„Don't be, Billy." Mac moved closer and pulled his head towards her for a soft kiss. „I think it's sweet you kept it all; I didn't expect it... And just for the record: I've also kept everything of yours that had somehow ended up in my things when I'd packed that day... You're Leonard Cohen CD has travelled quite a few miles with me; I used to listen to it almost every night overseas..."

Will moved his arm around her shoulder to press her against his chest, which she accepted with a content sigh, her arm sneaking across his stomach. „I've missed you so much, Will..."

„I know, Honey, me too. I'm sorry it has taken me so long." He placed a kiss on the top of Mac's head and for a while they both remained quiet, lost in thought about how much they had missed each other and also this kind of intimacy.  
Finally Mac spoke again.

„Billy?"

„Hmm?"

Moving so she could let her chin rest on her arm she looked at him. „What would you have done if I hadn't reacted to your voicemail message?"

Will's eyes went big. „What would I... Where is that coming from now?"

„Quit stalling... What would you have done?"

His thoughts went back to the night he had left the message for her and he didn't speak for a moment, but finally he took a deep breath. „I had actually started to think that you wouldn't mention it back then. I was going crazy because I had expected you to call back immediately. I didn't even think that you would just come over, although I probably should have known..." He let his hand run up and down her back and smiled at her a little sheepishly. „That's why I had the drinks, by the way, I was trying to drown my fears and embarrassment... I thought I had ridiculed myself and couldn't understand that I apparently had read you so wrong... But then you showed up, thank god!"

Mac quickly let her hand run over his cheek. „I couldn't just do that over the phone, I'm sorry. I needed to see you... But..." The reporter in her didn't let her give up. „What where you doing while you were waiting? Did... did you start thinking about new punishments for me?"

Will shook his head. „I'd asked you to just ignore the message, didn't I? At least I think I did... But I honestly don't know how I would have coped with seeing you at work every day after that if you hadn't shown up..."

Not quite satisfied with his answer Mac felt the need to follow up. „So you didn't think about some kind of retribution? I don't know... Something like.. firing me or maybe stage a meeting with Brian somehow to punish me?"

Will looked horrified at that idea. „Mac! I truly hope that I would never have done anything like that. That thought didn't even cross my mind, you have to believe me! I mean, I have done terrible things to you and we will have to talk about it, but that... No!" He resolutely shook his head.

Holding his gaze for a moment she was satisfied with his answer and smiled at him. „Good. Just imagine that for whatever reason I might not have gotten the message... And you would have thought I'd ignored you while I didn't have a clue what was going on..."

For a moment he let this thought run through his mind. „Wow, I never thought about that possibility... Let's just be glad everything worked out, okay? No need to overthink it."

„Yeah..." Sighing Mac stretched up to place a tender kiss on his lips, but when she let her tongue probe against them to deepen it Will slightly moved his head and smiled at her . „Mac...!"

Pouting she relaxed back into her former position and curled into his chest again, not without mumbling a barely understandable „kill-joy" into his direction, which earned her a slight slap on her butt. „Hey!"

Will sighed. „Just don't tempt me, please? It's hard enough already..."

Grinning into his shirt they both settled into their embrace again. Will's hand played with a strand of Mac's hair, while she stroked her thumb over his shirt until after a while it was him who broke the silence this time.

„Mac?"

„Hmm?"

He took a deep breath. „I was wondering... But if you don't want to talk about it it's fine... It's just... This whole pregnancy thing, can you tell me about it?

Will felt her stiffen and quickly moved his hand down his chest to meet hers, squeezing it gently. „You don't have to, Mac."

Mac however shook her head and started to speak with a hint of pain in her voice. „It's fine, Billy you deserve to know... I... I didn't worry at first when I didn't get my period... after... that night... I just blamed it on the stress with everything that was going on. I mean, hell, I'm on the pill! But when nothing happened the next month either I was starting to... wonder. On Monday I went and got a pregnancy test and it... it was positive..."

She swallowed hard when she felt tears welling up and clenched her fingers into his shirt, but continued. „So I went to see my ob/gyn this morning. It doesn't happen often, but the test was wrong. I'm definitely not pregnant..."

Will sighed and held her tighter to his chest. „I wish you had told me, I would have gone with you..."

„I know... I'm sorry... I just didn't know where we were, and I had to figure out what I wanted before telling you..."

„Or not..." Will added, still hurt by the possibility of Mac considering to not tell him at all.

„I'm sorry, Billy..." Mac's voice was only a small whisper. „I was so confused, I didn't know..."

Moving her hand to his lips to press a kiss to her palm he tried to soothe her. „It's okay, Mac, we're here now... But you know, I think... no pressure, but if you like... We could actually try for a baby..."

Mac's head jolted up. „We could?"

„As I've said, there is nothing I want more, so if you want it, too? Maybe not right now, give us some time alone together, but then... Why don't we just see what happens? Just not try _not_ to get pregnant?"

Again tears pooled in Mac's eyes and she could barely conceal a sob. This day had been an emotional rollercoaster and it was beginning to take it's toll. She was devastated about the loss of a fictive baby she had already begun to think of as hers but would never know, and at the same time she was on cloud number nine that finally Will and she had been able to work through their issues and their future lay ahead of them.

Raising her head she moved up a little to look into Will's eyes. „I love you, Billy, God, I love you so much... And _yes_ , let's just wait and see... If we're meant to have a family, it will happen."

She held his gaze for another moment but then she leaned in for a long, slow kiss. When they finally broke apart they shared a smile that was full of love before Mac snuggled into him again and closed her eyes.

From now on everything would be fine.

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Very early for his standards Will woke up, snuggled against Mac's back with his arm around her waist. He couldn't remember having slept so well in years and knew that the reason for it was right here next to him.

He buried his nose in her hair and took a deep breath, just enjoying the closeness he had missed for so long, but this led to another part of his body further down south to start waking up, too. Mac however was still dead to the world and remembering what a rough week she'd had, he decided not to wake her just yet, not matter how much he wanted to. Instead he placed a light kiss on her shoulder and moved carefully to get out of bed without disturbing her.

When Mac opened her eyes a while later she found herself alone in Will's bedroom. After a moment's confusion she heard a sound from the kitchen and with a smile she stretched contentedly before she got up.

When she entered the kitchen Will was standing in front of the coffee machine, his back towards her. She was just about to walk up to him and say good morning when she stilled, her mind racing.

This was exactly like the situation all these weeks ago... Suddenly she was glad that he had insisted on not going any further last night. Okay, last time she had been in the bathroom when he had woken up, not right next to him in his bed... And she trusted him, trusted _this_ to be real this time, but still... What if...?

On the spur of the moment she quietly moved up behind him, slipped her arms around his waist and up his chest and pressed a kiss to his shoulder, an exact copy of her actions back then. „Good morning, Billy..."

Will startled and after a short moment he took her hand off his skin. Mac closed her eyes and could barely suppress a sob, her faith in him crumbling down faster then a meteorite crashing onto the earth. So it _had_ been another ruse and...

She was drawn from her devastating thoughts when Will raised her hand to his mouth, pressed a kiss to her palm and then turned around with a wide smile on his face. „Good morning, Honey, I thought you were still asleep."

Mac stared at him with wide eyes, utter relief running through her body, but Will could make out the last signs of panic on her face. He frowned worriedly for a moment, but then he realized that she had feared a replay of what had happened the last time they had spent the night together.

Putting his arms around her waist he pulled her against him and looked hat her. „Was that a test...?" He smiled softly when she blushed and squirmed lightly. „There is no need for that... I love you, MacKenzie."

Mac closed her eyes for a for a split second and a relieved smile showed up on her face, but then she bit down on her lower lip. „I... I'm sorry, I didn't..."

Will interrupted her with a tender kiss. „It's okay, Mac. I deserved it..."  
His eyes locked onto hers while he took a step to the side and then nodded with his head behind him, where this time _two_ cups were waiting on the counter to be filled with coffee. He saw that she immediately understood and felt her relax into his touch. „I love you, Mac, and that is never going to change. You own me."

At this her smile returned, brighter than before and seemingly lighting up the whole room. Then she let her hands slide up his chest to loop them around his neck and raised herself on her toes to press a kiss to his lips. „I love you, too, Billy..."  
Then she let her index finger teasingly ran around his neck and along his jawline to his chin. „Why don't we forget about the coffee for now...?"

Will groaned and immediately tightened his grip around her waist. In one swift move he turned them around and lifted Mac onto the kitchen counter, causing her to squeal in surprise. „Billy!"

„Sorry..." he mumbled against her lips. „But I can't wait any longer... And by the way. I'd like last night's constraint acknowledged..."

„Mmmmh..." Mac let here tongue dart out to quickly run it over his lips. „I wouldn't have said 'no' last night..."

Burying her hands in his hair for a deep kiss she successfully prevented any further talk for the moment. When Will finally moved his hands from her waist to under the hem of her shirt he growled at the discovery that she wasn't wearing any panties underneath, not able to think about whether they had been missing last night already or if she had maybe taken them off just now.. „God, you're gonna be the death of me..."

„Don't you dare..." She was already slightly panting by now and let her hands wander down his back to his boxers to squeeze his behind. „You have some making up to do..."

„And make it up to you I shall..." His mouth was busy covering her neck with kisses, so Mac hardly understood his mumbled words, but she got the gist of it and let out a strangled moan once he found the spot that always made her go weak at her knees when his attention was focused on it.

Determinedly she opened her legs to pull him closer and she could immediately feel how much he wanted her. Seductively she let her foot run down his hamstring and smiled at his predictable groan.

From here their desire built up even more quickly and before things got out of hand in the kitchen Will lifted Mac from the counter and took her to the bedroom.

Afterwards they both just lay there for a long time, not moving at all except for Mac lowering her legs from around his waist. Will was lying on top of her, breathing heavily into her ear, and didn't manage to move even a fraction of an inch, but she was more than happy to feel him covering her after wanting exactly that for so long.

Finally Will managed to lift his head and shift at least a little of his weight on his ellbows, his hands framing her face and stroking some strands of hair from her flushed, sticky skin. „I love you, Mac, I will never let you go again..."

His voice was only a hoarse whisper, but Mac heard all the layers of emotions it entailed – first and foremorst the immense love he felt for her and had just expressed, but also gratefulness, contentment and especially trust. For a moment she was completely overwhelmed and unable to speak, so she lifted her hand to his cheek and tried to convey everything she felt with her eyes.

Understanding completely Will smiled and leaned down for a slow, tender kiss, before he carefully slid out of her and turned them both on their sides so that they were facing each other. He then pulled a thin blanket over their bodies that were quickly cooling off and threaded his fingers with hers.

„So, did I make it up to you?"

Mac considered his question for a second and then grinned. „If you weren't so damn good at it I'd let you off the hook, but the way it is I think you'll have to make it up to me for the rest of your life..."

To this Will only had one response and leaned in to whisper it against her lips.

„Anytime."

::::::::::::::::::::::::::

That was it!

I hope you enjoyed the story and look forward to your comments!


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